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Literature Text
53. Must not point and laugh at anyone petty enough to think that not using wine as part of sacrament means we aren’t sufficiently Christian.
54. Am not to use a shopping cart to go off-roading.
55. Must remember to never mix different types of charcoal briquettes (see #27).
56. If I have to ask whether or not I’m going to Hell over something, it probably means I am.
57. No matter how apt it may be for the situation at hand, it is still considered impolite to respond to a person’s grossly misinformed rant with the phrase “Dude; what in God’s name are you smoking?”
58. Likewise, it would also be excessive to list the contact information for every last mental health professional in the state.
59. No matter how hilarious doing so would actually be.
60. Even if it is the second time around…
61. Must remember that despite the term “canon” being legitimate entertainment industry jargon for what is and isn’t considered official within a work, most people won’t understand this even after having it explained to them.
62. It is inappropriate for missionaries to be flirting with anyone on their mission.
63. Note that this rule applies in reverse.
64. When in doubt, pepper spray. (see above)
65. If at any point I see someone taking their smoke break next to a gas canister, the proper response is to just run the other way.
66. Am not to give myself a haircut using disposable razors.
67. Even if it is the night before a major in-uniform inspection for ROTC and I’m the only one at home.
68. In fact, doing so the night before a major in-uniform inspection for ROTC just makes matters that much worse.
69. Must not teach Jodie calls to the Cub Scouts.
70. Especially not the one about “Women in the Army.”
71. When going to baptize someone, I must be careful not to drop them.
72. I must also not hold them under the water for longer than necessary.
73. If at any time a person screws up one of the sacrament prayers more than five times in a row, it’s best to just have the other person do it.
74. Am not to perform any songs by Madonna should there be another karaoke or lip-synching activity.
75. Flatulence during prayers is always inappropriate.
76. If at any point in time I have to describe anything in the refrigerator as “load-bearing,” it means that I need to clean said refrigerator out more often.
77. Must not start laughing whenever I hear The Clash’s “Lost In A Supermarket” playing over the intercom system at the local grocery store.
78. I must also refrain from laughing when I see “adult” products on the clearance rack.
79. lolcats were never meant to be used as object lessons for Sunday School.
80. Nor were lolfoxes.
81. In fact, church is generally a bad place to be trying to spread your own self-created internet meme.
82. Or any other internet meme for that matter.
83. No matter how many people volunteer to help out. (Like I said, I only did most of these entries…)
84. Anyone wishing to be married in the Las Vegas temple must specify the word “temple” when announcing their wedding plans.
85. Regardless of the topic of discussion, the term “freight train of stupid” is inappropriate for any half-way formal setting.
86. Must remember to mind yellow highway signs, even if yellow means that they are only advisories.
87. Must also remember to avoid them.
88. The cows, too.
89. When attending a job fair, it is best to wear formal attire.
90. This does not include such things as track suits, skateboarder attire, sweat suits, or clothing cut so that when you squat down you moon everyone.
91. The same goes for recruiters as well.
92. Must not use one of the church’s TVs to try and pick up the Super Bowl.
93. The purpose of a swap meet is to leave with less than what you arrived with.
94. “Fantasy Football” does not involve wizards.
95. Or giant robots.
96. Or any combination thereof.
97. No, Harry Potter is not fated to go to Hell.
98. He is, however, fated to get curb-stomped by Gandalf.
99. NyQuil © is not the 13th step of any 12-step recovery program.
100. Am not to worry people by informing them that I’ve used my knife to kill snakes with.
101. Especially if I’m using said knife to slice up baked goods for them.
102. On second thought,…
103. When having to pull out of a parking space, the proper procedure is not “Back up until you hear the sound of tinkling glass.”
104. Particularly if one of the involved vehicles is a Mercedes-Benz©.
105. Especially if it’s not your car.
54. Am not to use a shopping cart to go off-roading.
55. Must remember to never mix different types of charcoal briquettes (see #27).
56. If I have to ask whether or not I’m going to Hell over something, it probably means I am.
57. No matter how apt it may be for the situation at hand, it is still considered impolite to respond to a person’s grossly misinformed rant with the phrase “Dude; what in God’s name are you smoking?”
58. Likewise, it would also be excessive to list the contact information for every last mental health professional in the state.
59. No matter how hilarious doing so would actually be.
60. Even if it is the second time around…
61. Must remember that despite the term “canon” being legitimate entertainment industry jargon for what is and isn’t considered official within a work, most people won’t understand this even after having it explained to them.
62. It is inappropriate for missionaries to be flirting with anyone on their mission.
63. Note that this rule applies in reverse.
64. When in doubt, pepper spray. (see above)
65. If at any point I see someone taking their smoke break next to a gas canister, the proper response is to just run the other way.
66. Am not to give myself a haircut using disposable razors.
67. Even if it is the night before a major in-uniform inspection for ROTC and I’m the only one at home.
68. In fact, doing so the night before a major in-uniform inspection for ROTC just makes matters that much worse.
69. Must not teach Jodie calls to the Cub Scouts.
70. Especially not the one about “Women in the Army.”
71. When going to baptize someone, I must be careful not to drop them.
72. I must also not hold them under the water for longer than necessary.
73. If at any time a person screws up one of the sacrament prayers more than five times in a row, it’s best to just have the other person do it.
74. Am not to perform any songs by Madonna should there be another karaoke or lip-synching activity.
75. Flatulence during prayers is always inappropriate.
76. If at any point in time I have to describe anything in the refrigerator as “load-bearing,” it means that I need to clean said refrigerator out more often.
77. Must not start laughing whenever I hear The Clash’s “Lost In A Supermarket” playing over the intercom system at the local grocery store.
78. I must also refrain from laughing when I see “adult” products on the clearance rack.
79. lolcats were never meant to be used as object lessons for Sunday School.
80. Nor were lolfoxes.
81. In fact, church is generally a bad place to be trying to spread your own self-created internet meme.
82. Or any other internet meme for that matter.
83. No matter how many people volunteer to help out. (Like I said, I only did most of these entries…)
84. Anyone wishing to be married in the Las Vegas temple must specify the word “temple” when announcing their wedding plans.
85. Regardless of the topic of discussion, the term “freight train of stupid” is inappropriate for any half-way formal setting.
86. Must remember to mind yellow highway signs, even if yellow means that they are only advisories.
87. Must also remember to avoid them.
88. The cows, too.
89. When attending a job fair, it is best to wear formal attire.
90. This does not include such things as track suits, skateboarder attire, sweat suits, or clothing cut so that when you squat down you moon everyone.
91. The same goes for recruiters as well.
92. Must not use one of the church’s TVs to try and pick up the Super Bowl.
93. The purpose of a swap meet is to leave with less than what you arrived with.
94. “Fantasy Football” does not involve wizards.
95. Or giant robots.
96. Or any combination thereof.
97. No, Harry Potter is not fated to go to Hell.
98. He is, however, fated to get curb-stomped by Gandalf.
99. NyQuil © is not the 13th step of any 12-step recovery program.
100. Am not to worry people by informing them that I’ve used my knife to kill snakes with.
101. Especially if I’m using said knife to slice up baked goods for them.
102. On second thought,…
103. When having to pull out of a parking space, the proper procedure is not “Back up until you hear the sound of tinkling glass.”
104. Particularly if one of the involved vehicles is a Mercedes-Benz©.
105. Especially if it’s not your car.
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